live

I am not sure of what i am speaking of. I just type as i feel. Just finished watching the extended version of The Lord of The Rings, courtesy of my dearest brother in law. The specialty of this extened version of the movie has caused me to fall for the character of Faramir, son of the idiot Denethor. I know almost none of you watch this movie except a few who would open their minds and crawl out of the whole harry potter mania and step into the real world. No offence. I am updating this boring, reader's digest-ish, essay-ish blog of mine as my sister has fallen asleep and i am too lazy to get out of bed to watch the tv or go to sleep. I feel tired, but not content enough to force myself to close my eyes and dream till dawn. Besides, ill be stirred from my sleep and listen to her munching on toasted bread. This will last for a week, by the way. Or nine months. Haha.

The world has changed. How long will we be protected from it? How long before we finally realise that we are no longer safe as we used to be? How long will the madness last? I wish now that i am in Rivendell, the home of the elves. It may be merely a painting, but it is a wonderful one. A fantasy, created by a man who is about to lose his son in the war, so he wrote this trilogy, in hoping it would ease the pain. I dont know what happened to the son after that though.

Somehow, within these last few months, i have lost some part of me, and yet gained something new that i am not familiar with. But i do know that i like it being here. In my new life. My free life. I can feel the loss of that one thing, one special thing, (i must add here, to reduce confusion that i am not talking about a past boyfriend, lost love or what other nonsense u might come up with) that i miss having. It used to make me who i am now. I thought i would never lose it, or let it be lost. But somehow it slipped through my grasp and now...now i just dont know how to regain it. I try, i do, but it just isnt the same. It's almost like i have to force myself, to reclaim that identity, to go back and just remember what it felt like, what it meant to me. But i know, it will always be apart of me, whether i can sense it or not..I still want it back, i feel lost without it. It makes me feel..empty and almost sad..(again, i am not talking about love. i dont give a damn about that now.) I made the right decision to let go, to free myself from a binding cage...a cage that i thought would make me happy..but no. It was enough for me, and i let go so easily that it made my heart break. (okay now..maybe it has something to do with the past "affairs") But it changed me for the better. I dont dwell on it anymore and i dont give a damn anymore. It may be cruel, but at least im not cruel to myself. I'm 15 years old. I have the right to be free from bad influences as such. Those who succumb into darkness. I may be a drama queen, but i am not as stupid as to let it linger and rob me of my energy and happiness.

I am happy now, as happy as I can be. Happier than before. I know my priorities and ok i am babbling a teeny bit too much. But thats what blogs are for right? Haha..at least im not getting too straight to the point. Anyway, i just have to say to all those who think their lives are ending because they just broke up, who have been rejected by the ones they "love"- that goes for those who dont know what the hell love is-, and also,to those whose moms took away their phones and feel like everyone is trying to ruin their lives and blabla, well, get this. You are just a teenager, you havent been through the worst, because you're still alive and u still have shelter. And, ur using the internet too for crying out loud! Back to the love schmuks- YOU BLOODY WELL BETTER GET OVER IT BECAUSE IT IS PATHETIC TO WASTE YOUR LIFE AND MIND AWAY JUST OVER SOME PUPPY LOVE THAT MOST PROBABLY, IN MOST CASES WHERE UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT YOU HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO, AND U STUDY OVERSEAS AND WORK WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE, WILL NOT WORK! YOU WILL SEE MORE THAN A DOZEN MORE OUT THERE, SO JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT ITS LIFE! YOU GET YOUR HEART BROKEN, YOU LEARN FROM IT! YOU MADE THE DECISION TO RISK IT, YOU SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES! SINCE U THINK URE SOOO BLOODY SMART THAT U CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE, THEN BE READY FOR WHAT MAY COME CAUSE U DONT KNOW THAT MUCH ANYWAY! IF ITS NOT MEANT TO BE, ITS NOT MEANT TO BE. SO JUST GET OVER IT ALREADY! DONT GO ALL IN DENIAL IN HOPING SOME IDIOT WOULD PITY YOU EVEN THOUGH U DONT EVEN PITY YOURSELF. STOP BROODING, STOP CRYING, STOP ALL THE MISERY! ITS ALL IN YOUR MIND, ITS ALL IN UR HEAD. IF U WANT TO MOVE ON SO MUCH INSTEAD OF BROODING AND CRYING AND MOURNING OVER SOMETHING SO PETTY, THEN WHY DONT U?? I KNOW WHY. BECAUSE THERE IS APART OF YOU THAT WANTS TO BROOD. THAT WANTS TO SUFFER. AND WHY IS THAT? BECAUSE THATS WHATS "SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN WHEN WE BREAK UP. WE CRY, AND CRY, AND MOURN AND GRIEF BECAUSE ITS ALL PART OF THE DEAL, ITS ALL PART OF THE SCRIPT, ITS ALL PART OF THE PLAY." you may have shared something special, a lot of happy times, a lot of sweet memories, but in the end, it's about you. A teenager. With so much ahead. Why waste everything over something so temporary?? I am not saying you should not have boyfriends, or you should not have feelings for someone, all im saying is , you shouldnt throw ur life away just because something does not work out. Ruining yourself is not the answer. Find true happiness that will guide you. Not destroy you. I have learned my lesson, and yes, it is very tempting to repeat the same mistake. But there is time. Dont be hasty.


Just live.